Just TRYING to be nice, but apparently failing

(story to be published in tomorrow’s issue, March 23)

A lot of fuss has been made by my male colleagues over last week’s column: “How could you write such a ###@@#@# thing?!”, “Don’t you think it’s a huge exaggeration?”, “We are not at all like that”, they said indignantly, making me look like the evil witch who’s trying to destroy Prince Charming. Willy-nilly I had to promise that I would write something about women’s shortcomings. So here I am, doing my best to keep my promise, just to have some peace and quiet in the newsroom, as I have no intention of being lynched by the macho mob. To begin with, us women can be much too uptight sometimes and we often make a big deal out of nothing. And if men never share their thoughts, we seldom say what we really think. Most often, “yes” means “no” and vice versa. Here are some excerpts from a Women’s English Dictionary (drafted by men, I am sure, but let’s not get into that): ‘We need” means “I want,” “It’s your decision” – “You’ll pay for this later,” “We need to talk” – I need to complain,” “Do you love me?” – “I’m going to ask for something really expensive,” “How much do you love me?” – “I did something you’re really not going to like,” “Nothing, really” – “It just that you’re such an asshole,” and the list could go on indefinitely. Not to mention our PMS that’s acting up all the time, even when it’s not supposed to. Women are cranky, they spend too much time in front of the mirror, they expect men to call all the time and they get mad if men are late or if they forget birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, anniversaries or any other cheesy celebrations. And the worst is still to come – women have this really nasty habit of shopping. It is an annoying hobby, as it involves dragging your S.O. in dozens of shops, in the quest for the perfect dress or pair of shoes, completely disregarding his desperate protests or pretexts such as “Honey, I had a terrible day and all I want is to watch TV and get some sleep.” It is also a very expensive habit, but, on the other hand, it stimulates men to work harder in order to feed their partners’ “shopping bulimia.” Whenever I get the urge to go and purchase everything in sight, I remember a certain character in Zola’s “Au Bonheur des dames,” who eventually ruined her husband with her buying frenzy. Thus, in many ways, women do rule. But this is only an illusion, which is shattered many times a day. A good example is something that happened the other day – a woman-driver was desperately trying to park her car in an alley. Some indignant driver started yelling – “What’s she doing there?” A passer-by wisely replied: “Give her a break, man! Can’t you see? She’s a woman!” And I guess that says it all.