Things the movies taught us

First of all, I must say that I am a huge fan of American films, as they manage to pull us away from all the little misfortunes of every day life. Nothing compares to a Bruce Willis close-up, when he is busy saving the world, neutralising a whole army of terrorists by himself and getting the girl in the end. And what can possibly beat the lovey-dovey stuff generously poured on an avid audience by famous on-screen couples such as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks or the all-time mushy record of Kate Winslow and Leonardo di Caprio?

Here are some cliches that all lucid moviegoers must have noticed in American films.

When being chased by a gunman in a helicopter, bullets will always land 1/4″ behind your feet. The bad guys will always take the money. No matter how big an explosion, the fireball will cease 6″ from the hero. No matter how many buildings, supermarkets and private homes the hero destroys in his chase after the bad guys, he will never be held responsible for the damages. In space, explosions are really, really loud.

Sidekicks, no matter how discouraged, always follow the hero into a dangerous situation, where he saves their life. When a gunfight ensues between cars, the hero’s vehicle will gain a leak in the fuel tank from a stray bullet.

All bad guys have a weak grip on handguns, and will always drop it on the first strike of a fight. All wooden-based furniture is as effective at stopping bullets as steel. Oil and Gasoline drums will only explode once the hero has dived away from them.

If a sidekick is the opposite sex to the hero, then they will fall in love. Although the hero will not reciprocate this feeling until the final scene, for fear he might jinx the new romance. Villains will never do things the easy way. All bad guys smoke a unique brand of cigarettes which they carelessly leave at the crime scene. Although the police search the premises, the hero will always find a crucial clue when he decides to take a look. Any person reciting their life story and/or hopes & dreams in the first act will be dead before the third.

A woman’s hair never loses its shape, even if she goes swimming. And something even more outraging – if stranded for several months on a desert island, the heroine’s legs and armpits are always perfectly shaven and her skin is fresh and tanned, even though there’s no Elisabeth Arden facility on the island.

When hearing strange noises in the house at night, women must always go down the stairs wearing itsy-bitsy flimsy lingerie, never bothering to turn on the lights.

Small rock outcrops will stop the sound of an approaching aircraft. The rate of success of a villain’s plan is inversely proportional to the number of people it will affect. There is always a pause before a fight so the hero and villain can eye each other up. When the hero is attacked by many villains, he has to face only one at a time, as the others simply jump around making menacing noises, waiting for their turn.

There’s never an unattractive sidekick.