Things the movies taught us - the sequel

I could practically write novels on movie cliches, because they never fail to follow a certain structure, just like soap-operas and Sandra Brown novels do. But I chose to end my “presentation” with horror movie cliches, because they are a genuine gold mine.

Summer Camps

If you are a counselor, avoid picking on shy kids, they do get revenge. Overly friendly counselors may be recent asylum escapees. Make sure they put away all knives, arrows and other potential weapons. If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods! Campfire legends always come back to haunt you. If you encounter any figure wearing a hockey mask, you’re a goner! If you happen to survive the carnage in the first film, don’t appear in a sequel, you will be offed in the first few minutes.

If you are the murdering killer type

You can only do your killing on a holiday, so remember to avoid the summer camps and college dorms in August. Guns are never to be used, so go raid a hardware store or local barn. If you are disfigured or have a limp, even better! When chasing women through the woods, soon enough they will trip and fall. Always use a mask, even if Halloween is months away. Always avoid bitter, disgruntled cops that put you away once before. Don’t worry about getting killed by the macho tough guys, you will always win. Strong mother fixations tend to be a big plus, so remember mom well. If you are a woman and a killer, you will die at the end. No female-killer ever seems to live. Keep in mind that you are most likely invincible but try not to talk, if you do then you must always crack jokes.

Government

If you happen to wander onto any abandoned government facilities, do so at your risk. Any container or package put away by the Army is almost always harmful. If you happen to see any men wearing white environment suits, PRAY! If you happen to meet any men wearing dark suits and dark glasses at night, they are probably not part of any government agency on Earth. Any government developed virus or biological agent has no known cure. If you see any large unmarked vehicles in a convoy, get out of town! If you are being attacked by zombies, the government will nuke you and deny everything.

Government issued containers or steel drums will break down or fail at the wrong time.

If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated. Remember they will deny everything! Take a hint from Agent Fox Mulder and Trust No One!

Zombies

If you ever see anyone walking that you know is dead, they are a ZOMBIE! If you ever get bitten by a zombie, you will soon become one. Remember that a well placed gunshot in the head usually does the trick. Zombies love brains, nice warm BRAINS! Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get shot. If a loved one is killed by a zombie, burn them quickly. Never try to outrun a zombie, they somehow always manage to catch you. Never piss off a Haitian medicine man or you will become a zombie. Never use fire to ward off zombies as it will usually burn out at the crucial moment.