I read most of the laws governing the rights of foreigners in Romania the other day (I was looking for a particular piece of legislation specific to me – I do not usually make a habit of browsing endless tomes of lex) and I came across a small clause that forbids all aliens from ”taking part in or agitating any political activity.”
Not being an agitated kind of person the second part doesn”t really apply, though I must admit that running for political office does.
Often are the times when dinner party conversation meanders towards the realms of improbability, and those gathered begin making plans for launching some kind of minority party to represent the interests of us disenfranchised expatriates in Romania. The Make Romania Better Party is the latest to have been proposed in a fit of Chateauneuf du Pape-induced exuberance, and here, at the risk of breaking the law and having my residence permit revoked, is our ten-point manifesto:
1. Drivers must obey the law
Let”s get the most revolutionary aspect of our manifesto off the drawing board early on: We propose that car, bus, tram, trolleybus, van, lorry and motorcycle drivers should obey the laws of the road. I know it”s a bold move, and one that will make us unpopular with the electorate from the outset, but that”s the kind of party we are: actions speak louder than popularity. Honking loudly at the car in front simply because he/she hasn”t moved off from a green light within 0.01 seconds of it changing will be an offence commanding up to ten years in prison.
Blocking intersections (especially if there is a yellow grid) will carry a mandatory life sentence.
2. Murderers to go to prison
In another controversial move, we feel that people who crucify young nuns should be tried in a court of law and – if found guilty – sent to prison. Keeping them in custody for a few days while the fuss dies down and then basically letting them go is not really deterrent enough.
3. All stray dogs to be adopted or exterminated
Romanians and their dogs, it deserves to be the subject of a Phd thesis one day. More practically, we propose to end this plague once and for all by catching every dog in the country and putting them up for adoption for one month. Any dog which has not been adopted (and adopting will mean paying a heavy fee, and signing a declaration promising not to release the dog back on to the streets) will be put to sleep. The most severe prison sentences will be handed out to those – clearly mentally ill – people who feed or in anyway care for stray dogs.
4. McDonalds and KFC to enforce self-cleaning policy applicable in other countries
I am aware of the fact that Romanians are still relatively new to fast food, but it is now 14 years since McDonalds first opened its doors here, so the idea of ”self-cleaning restaurant” really ought to have caught on by now.
Why is it then that so few people dispose of their half-eaten Big Macs and bargain buckets as they should, by placing the contents of their trays in the many bins provided? And while we are on the subject of fast food, the practice of sitting at a table with no food or drink while someone else queues up will be outlawed too.
5. No scaremongering about bird flu
The human version of bird flu has so far killed a not-so-whopping 60 people worldwide since 1997. The total number of confirmed worldwide cases has only recently topped 100.
So the idea that we are facing an epidemic that could kill hundreds, thousands, nay millions of people all over Europe is simply scaremongering.
People certainly need to be warned of any possible dangers involving the flu, but they do not need to be scared into acting irrationally.
6. No-Smoking must mean No-Smoking
I smoke. Not a lot, but I smoke. I do not smoke where I am not allowed, however, and will always respect the wishes of anyone who politely asks me not to smoke. Not so the shoppers at a well known Bucharest emporium (the one in Pantelimon).
Enormous signs everywhere say quite clearly ”FUMATUL OPRIT” but I have said this before – I guess education standards in Romania must be very low, as few people appear to be able to read the signs.
On the same subject, our local park has a sign at every entrance saying that entry with dogs is forbidden. People (illiterate, obviously) still enter with dogs though. Clearly, teaching people to read must be a priority of any Make Romania Better government.
7. Queuing to become a compulsory school subject
Which brings us nicely to another area of education: the introduction of compulsory queuing classes. I have said it before and I will say it again: for a country whose people spent much of the past 50 years queuing for basic foodstuffs, Romania has a poor grasp of the notion of ”standing patiently and courteously in a line.”
8. Television news programmes to carry news stories
In another sweeping and controversial move we propose that television channels should carry news items in their news programmes. Clear lists of what comprises a news story and what does not will be drawn up. For example: ”Lots of people go to seaside on summer weekend” will not be considered a worthy news story. Similar rules regarding the running order of these news stories will also have to be followed. Stories such as ”important cabinet changes announced by prime minister” will have to come before ”Z-list American film celebrity visits Romania and says something nice” in the running order. Sports news will follow even stricter guidelines.
A ten-minute interview with Gigi Becali split into five segments and presented as five different stories over three evenings will no longer be good enough. Likewise, any reference to footballers” cars, clothes, wives/girlfriends, watches or holidays will be punishable by death.
9. English to be outlawed
Not the language per se, of course, Lord no; after all what the English do without it. No, what we have in mind is the use of English in Romanian, especially where it is used incorrectly. Use of the phrase ”Drive-Test,” or the words ”cool” and ”trendy” will warrant harsh punishments.
10. A clampdown on the abuse of sunglasses
Sunglasses are practical things, perfect for protecting the eyes from sharp sunlight. Wearing them inappropriately, however (in restaurants, houses, apartments, offices) or incorrectly (on the top of the head or – even worse – just above the eyes) will no longer be tolerated.
* Craig Turp is the publisher of In Your Pocket, a series of locally produced bi-monthly city guides printed all over Central and Eastern Europe.