Men and women have communication problems. Big communication problems. Contrary to what many women believe, it’s fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate relationship with a guy. Of course, this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With humans, it’s extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what women mean by the term “relationship.”
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Mary. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts, they continue to see each other regularly, and after a while they’re an item. Then, one evening when they’re driving home a thought occurs to Mary, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud;
“Do you realise that we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And there is silence in the car. To Mary, it is a very loud silence. She thinks; I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; Roger is thinking. Gosh. Six months. And Mary is thinking; I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. I wish I had time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. . . . I mean, where are we going? Am I ready for commitment? And Roger is thinking; So that means it was . . .let’s see . . . February when we started going out, right after I had the car at the dealer’s which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. Mary is thinking; He’s upset. Maybe I’m reading this wrong. Maybe he wants more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. He’s afraid of being rejected.
Roger: I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what they say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 23 degrees out. Mary: He’s angry. I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Roger: They’ll probably say it’s a 90-day warranty. That’s what they’re gonna say, the scums.
And Mary is thinking; Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding on a white horse. I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person who seems to truly care about me and is in pain because of my self-centred schoolgirl romantic fantasy. There’s no horse. Roger: They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it . . . “Roger,” Mary says aloud. “What?” says Roger, startled. “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so . . .” (She breaks down sobbing.) “What?” “I’m such a fool,” Mary sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.” “There’s no horse?” says Roger. “You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Mary says. “No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. “It’s just that . . . it’s that I . . .I need some time,” Mary says. (There is a pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says. (Mary, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says. “What way?” says Roger. “That way about time,” says Mary. “Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.” (Mary turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) “Thank you, Roger,” she says. “Thank you,” says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day, Mary will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything they said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Mary’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say; “Norm, did Mary ever own a horse?”